Mariposa’s Blog

So I was perusing Weight Watchers, trying to get up the motivation to maintain logging my points.  I have been down on myself lately, and I have been obsessing about the little things, or what I perceive to be big things, in the mirror.  I was good yesterday ... even with the pizza and sangria I stayed on target.  Today I had a good breakfast that was only 2.5 points, so that made me feel better too.  I was looking around for further motivation, when I stumbled across the story of a Latina woman who is 5'4" and used to weigh 177 pounds.  She now weighs 135 pounds, and she looks fabulous.  I am also Latina, 5'4" and I weigh 133 pounds.  I was looking at her, and (Carrie Bradshaw moment) I couldn't help but wonder, when it comes to what's reflected in the mirror, is seeing really believing?  When I have looked at my reflection, I haven't seen myself like I saw that woman.  It was good to see someone else who is like me and who I thought looked good.  It made me open to believing that I might look good too.

By the way, I've lost an additional 5 pounds on Weight Watchers.  I'm in the 130s now for the first time since the beginning of college, which is wonderful.  I feel really good (except for the fact that I am sick right now, haha).  I fell off the wagon for a few weeks, because we moved into a new house, I had to take a huge exam, and things were just plain crazy.  But I didn't gain any weight during that time, and I got right back on it when things calmed down.  I'm doing so well I adjusted my goal downward to 130 even, I am about eight pounds away.  I can almost taste it, haha.

Yeah, I am still working on the self-sabotage thing, but I have definitely better about it.  

What are your irrational fears? 
Submitted by Dan Culhane.  

OMG ARACHNIDS (I can't even type the actual name out)

I won't even consider eating certain types of shellfish because I know they are from the same phylum.  I know a lot of other people share this irrational yet very real fear, yet for whatever reason there seem to be huge pictures of them everywhere and shows about them all over TV.  They should really warn a person before they do that!!

I've joined Weight Watchers Online, and I'm proud to say that I've lost about 6 pounds so far.  This is the least I've weighed in several years ... I've been trying to get rid of this 15 pounds since freshman year of college.  Finally, I'm making progress, and I think it scares me a little bit. 

It's really strange.  My clothes are starting to loosen and my face is getting a bit thinner, and even my engagement ring is starting to slide down a bit easier.  Instead of being purely overjoyed, I'm nervous.  I have grown accustomed to being dissatisfied with the way I look.  It's been part of my identity for so long, I don't know what I would do if it weren't.  I can see the hourglass being whittled down again, and I love it.  I really do.  It's a wonderful feeling.  But when I am alone, there is a voice inside me that tells me to eat cake and soft pretzels and handfuls of peanut butter M&M's.  All at once.  I have been pretty good about not totally giving in (as in, eating all of them one day at a time instead of in one sitting), but I am really starting to wonder why I do this to myself. 

I'm still losing weight successfully, because honestly, it's virtually impossible not to on this program.  Last week I ate pizza, cupcakes, empanadas, birthday cake, and my beloved peanut butter M&M's, and still lost 1.5 pounds.  But I find myself feeling guilty, thinking that I could have lost 2 or 3 pounds had I not eaten all that junk.  It's so silly.  But this is what I do. 

I'm trying to get to bottom of it.

So much has changed in the last several months.  That god-awful clinic finally ended, and I worked for the summer at an area firm.  School started up again a couple of weeks ago, and now I'm in the process of looking for a post-grad job. 

The most exciting thing though, is that we bought a house.  A dream-house.  We are so very lucky to have our first house be so amazing.  It's going to be nuts the next couple of months, but we're used to that.  Also, it will be almost empty for the next year or so, haha.  After I finish school and start working, things will be much better.  In the meantime, we have the most wonderful house ever!

We've also selected a wedding cake: alternating tiers of sweet potato spice cake with cinnamon cream cheese and caramel buttercream, and marble cake soaked in Kahlua syrup with caramel buttercream.  Yum-O!

Am I a bad person?

I am so overwhelmed right now that I'm paralyzed.  I feel like I can't get anything done, but there is so much to do that it makes me want to cry.  I'm just so tired. 

Where is the freaking course schedule?  At least that would give me something else to obsess about.

This has been the worst semester yet.  I can't wait til it's over.  I'm obsessing about when the course schedule will be out so I can fantasize about a time when I'm not doing what I'm doing now.  Ack.

Definitely a Blue Oyster Cult moment.

So many things are happening right now, and I really should be happier.  In fact, I feel guilty for not feeling happier.  But it's Valentine's Day, commercialized though it is, and I should really focus on the wonderful things I do have in my life instead of what I do not.

I just hate being patronized.

Audio: Share a song that fits the moment you're living right now.
Inspired by cherè.

Don't Fear the Reaper isn't so much a song that fits the moment; it's a song that I always turn to when the moment doesn't fit me, I suppose.  I always liked it, but it took on new meaning for me when I saw episode 21 of Six Feet Under (the best show ever conceived, in my eyes).  In that episode, the main character is forced to confront his life-threatening illness, and ultimately decides that he will deal with it on his own terms. This song plays at the end of the episode, while he rides down the Pacific Coast Highway on a motorcycle without a helmet, into the wind.  If you haven't seen it, this may be lost on you.  But honestly, it changed my life.  It taught me that sometimes, the only way you can really embrace life is by taking on the things that make it difficult.  This song reminds me that fear will stop me from living, and that living in fear is worse than dying without regret. It may sound lame, but when I listen to this song, for the three minutes it plays, I'm truly free.

Blue Oyster Cult - Don't Fear The Reaper

Blue Oyster Cult